Sick At Heart

Two weeks ago, Dee ended the relationship that she was in; already, she and I have been talking about the possibility of us being together. It's odd. On one day, she was very resistant to the idea, but on the next she was for it. Now, days have passed and it's amazing how deep we are into this -- whatever this is. I've made plans to fly to her state two weeks from now. I'll spend the weekend with her, probably at her apartment; it will be the first time that we meet, and it will likely be intense.

I don't understand how we got here all of a sudden. I know I helped bring it on, but I don't think I actually believed it would happen. I've been thinking about it for too many years, and now that it's here I feel hesitant and worried.

My anxiety probably has something to do with Lor. Now that I'm thinking about entering into a new and serious relationship, I know that I'll have to cut off ties with her. That thought sickens me. I've been heavy-hearted for days because of it, and I still am. She and I haven't had future plans for a while, but now there won't even be the option for any. I'm going to have to hurt her and I can't deal with that idea. She's been the only one to reliably be there for me and care for me so deeply for the last couple of years. It will be awful to lose her.

It will be even worse if it doesn't work out between Dee and I. The odds of things working out with Dee are already slim because of the distance and because we've never even met. But if we decide to try a relationship, and then if we fail, I will have lost my secret friend, Dee, who is arguably my best friend these days, and I will have also lost Lor, a girl who I could easily be with under the right circumstances, someone whose love I already have and whom I already love.

This is terribly distressing. Yet this is what I do to myself.