Until today, I'd only told two people about my breakup with Lor. I'd told Dee and BioDad, probably the two most harmless people I could have told. Dee has never met Lor, and she's in another state. As my friend only, she offered nothing but support. BioDad is almost as reserved as I am, maybe more. I wasn't likely to get a huge reaction out of him. He only said that I should visit him more now that I'm free; and he said to find a local girl next time.
But tonight I finally told my mom. First she said she was sorry to hear it. And then she said that she thought Lor and I were the perfect couple. What?! I don't understand. I didn't ask why. I didn't want to be saddened by her explanation.
When we said goodbye later, my mom said that she hopes Lor and I can work things out and that she doesn't like seeing me "by myself."
Ugh.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Broken In
After work yesterday, I found my car had been broken into. The driver-side window was smashed to bits, and my GPS unit was stolen. Sigh.
A break in and a break up, all in one week. Hopefully I can avoid a break out of any kind; otherwise I may break down and cry.
Ya, bad humor. So what.
A break in and a break up, all in one week. Hopefully I can avoid a break out of any kind; otherwise I may break down and cry.
Ya, bad humor. So what.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Broken Up
She said yes. Yes, it's over. As long as I'm unwilling to change my controlling and jealous ways, it's over.
That was a week ago, and it was an even worse fight than the one before it. My voice was raw for days. As was my soul.
She said that she's been miserable with me. All this time, I knew that she didn't like the situation and I knew that I made it worse. But I didn't know I made her miserable. That's what I do to the women I date.
She also said that she's been too embarrassed to talk about our relationship with others. With her friends or family. Embarrassed because of my rules and my jealousy and my controlling nature. I make it too uncomfortable for her to talk; to live; to be happy.
Why would I ever agree to change? I refused when she asked me to! Not only is a promise on that front hard to make stick, but I can't imagine continuing on any more in our relationship -- it would only make her miserable and embarrass her. I want her to be happy, and that's not going to happen with me.
We've talked a couple of times since she broke up with me. She keeps hoping I'll change my mind and agree to change. Agree to compromise. I think about it, because it hurts to think of the alternative. But I always refuse. Even if I were able to change my ways, I still think I'd manage to make her miserable. And this long distance thing isn't making matters any easier. The only solution for that is to get married. Funny thing is, up until recently she would have agreed to marry me. Despite being miserable.
The best thing for both of us is probably to let this break up stick.
That was a week ago, and it was an even worse fight than the one before it. My voice was raw for days. As was my soul.
She said that she's been miserable with me. All this time, I knew that she didn't like the situation and I knew that I made it worse. But I didn't know I made her miserable. That's what I do to the women I date.
She also said that she's been too embarrassed to talk about our relationship with others. With her friends or family. Embarrassed because of my rules and my jealousy and my controlling nature. I make it too uncomfortable for her to talk; to live; to be happy.
Why would I ever agree to change? I refused when she asked me to! Not only is a promise on that front hard to make stick, but I can't imagine continuing on any more in our relationship -- it would only make her miserable and embarrass her. I want her to be happy, and that's not going to happen with me.
We've talked a couple of times since she broke up with me. She keeps hoping I'll change my mind and agree to change. Agree to compromise. I think about it, because it hurts to think of the alternative. But I always refuse. Even if I were able to change my ways, I still think I'd manage to make her miserable. And this long distance thing isn't making matters any easier. The only solution for that is to get married. Funny thing is, up until recently she would have agreed to marry me. Despite being miserable.
The best thing for both of us is probably to let this break up stick.
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